Thoughts - Ako Mismo

Ang tagal ko rin pinagpalanuhan kung paano makakuha ng ako mismo dog tag. kaya ito mismo lumapit sakin hahaha. Every other friday may bazaar sa office namin and this week ang theme ng bazaar ay "I CARE". Kaya lahat ng nagtinda sa eh puro may purpose ang pagdadalan ng money, at kasama dun ang Ako Mismo Campaign. Nakabilirin ako ng Premium Dogtag sawakas may kasama pa siya ngayon na rubber something hindi ko kase alam kung ano tawag hahaha.

One officemate commented "Bigla sulputan yang mga filipinism theme no? Samantalang dati dinedema lang natin ung Pidro shirt na halos nagsimula niyan."
Come to think of it my point siya, bakit parang lately lang tayo nagkaconcern sa bansa natin, ang paging proud na pinoy. Ako, ninais ko rin naman makapunta sa ibang bansa, ung tipong magstay dun kahti sandali, lalo na sa Washington, nandun kase ung ibang kamaganak namin. Pero tulad nila hindi ko rin ninais na dun manirahan habang buhay. Iba parin talga dito sa pilipinas eh. Kaya kahit pa sabihin nila na nakikiuso lang eh ok lang un, may kanya kanya tayong dahilan kung bakit natin binibili o tinatangkilik kung ano man ang nauso, better late than never ika nga.
Sabihin man ng ibang tao na nakikiuso ka lang ikaw parin sa sarili mo ang may alam ng totoong dahilan at hindi mo na kailangan magpaliwanag pa sa iba.

Thoughts - I want out!

Darn I'm stuck in the middle, I hate what I'm feeling. Eto nanaman ba ko? Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Nakailang yosi ako kagabi pero I stopped, may kumirot sa left chest ko. Oh Lord wag naman sana sabayan pa ng health ko. I threw my cigarettes, darn sayang. Ang dami ko iniisip, bakit ba hindi na ko naging ok sa loob ng isang linggo. ONe good thing would happen then ang bilis bumalik ng karma.
I tried dealing with it today but I never receive anything back, fine hayaan ko lang baka ganon nga talaga. Sabi nga kung ikaw ung may kulang do your part then eventually maayos din. Peste, ilan taon ko na ba ginagawa ung part ko, lagi na lang ba ganto? I tried prioritizing my self lately pero bakit iba dating sa iba, it seems I don't care daw. Letche anu pa ba gusto niya?
Tapos akala ko ok na nitong umaga, hindi pala, its the same fcuking cycle. Ganon siya pag meron something, hindi naman pwedeng laging ako. Paano naman ako? I'm in this black hole for ages, I have my chance to leave before but I did't. I know how to move out but I can't, is it too late?
Hindi pwedeng laging ako, hindi ka pwedeng umasa ka saking for the rest of your life, may sarili rin ako buhay. If you can't help your self why would you expect me to help you. Hindi porke tumatangi ako ngayon eh wala ko pakialam, marami rin ako problema, wag kase puro sarili mo inintindi mo. Puro ko yabang, hangin, wala ka naman sinabi. Ang dami mo pinagmamaliki pero kanino ka ba umaasa, sabihin mo nga?
Tapos emotional black mail gagawin mo, sasabihin mo na hindi ka pa over. Anu naman magagawa ko dun? Ikaw yan, sarili mo yan, kahit anung sabihin ko dito na positive things kung ayaw mo tanggapin at magmove on wala mangyayari. Then you'll tell me that you're not asking for my help, pero paulit ulit mo sinasabi sakin yan. Anu ba gusto mo palabasin?! You just needed someone who will listen? Please, kilala kita, hindi mo kailangan un, ang kailangan mo tulog at awa ng ibang tao para hindi ka na kumilos para sa mga gusto mo mangyari. Pathetic, kelan mo ba marerealize un?
Sobrang matagal na ko pagod sa ganito, hindi ko lang alam kung paano sasabihin sayo. Sana marealize mo na kailangan mo muna ayusin ang sarili mo bago ka magreklamo, bago mo isisi ang mga bagay sa ibang tao. Wag mo iasa sa ibang tao ang pwede mo naman gawin.
Hindi ko na kasalanan kung isang araw hindi na ko tablan sa mga sinsabi mo, hindi ko na maintindihan ang pinapaintindi mo sakin, hindi na ko maniwala sa mga sinsabi mo, hindi ko na kakayanin na magtagal sa tabi mo kase natatakot ako mahawa sayo.

Thoughts - Reminder

One thing I've learned today. Never assume and conclude anything instantly.
There are things that could lead you to something or somewhere you might think that it’s about you or concerns you, but not.
Learn to ask, speak and confront nicely without leading to an argument. Never let the day or night last without closure to what ever is bothering you, especially when you’re uncertain about it.

Another, I'm so over in making things easier for some people. Kelan ba nila marerealize na, sana naman sila mismo ung gumawa ng way. Hindi naman pwedeng laging ako. Kung meron ka gusto sabihin, linawin at patunayan. Ikaw gumawa ng paraan. Nakakaloko na kase eh. Hindi araw araw eh birthday mo. Pagnapalagpas mo ang onetime hindi mo alam kung meron pa susunod o wala. Sana narerealize un nang ibang tao.

Thoughts - Hmmmm...

When you feel something isn't normal you try to analyze it. Hindi kase normal ung nagyari, one minute I thought it was ok, after a minute nawala na lang parang bula, hindi mahagilap at hindi matanungan ng eksplinasyon. Ang sakin lang sana sinabi kung ano at bakit? Nakakainis na nakakatawa.
May nabubuong teyorya sa utak ko pero baka mali naman ako, pero paano kung tama naman pala. Nakita at tinanong ko na un dati pa pero wala naman daw. Oh well, buhay nila un, hindi ako pwedeng makialam, labas na ko dun.

I know when to stay away and to back off. It's done, over, goodbye.


Note: kahit papano may nagyari naman maganda sa umaga ko. hehehe..

Thoughts - Done

Now I know the reason why my brother keep on asking me to double check on our younger brothers grades online. We just receive his official grades and darn you would'nt wan't to look at it. Para kong naumay sa sardinas puro iyon ang nakita ko. Nakakayamot, hindi na talaga ko papayag na ituloy niya pa pagaaral niya, tama na. Ilan beses na siya pinagbigyan. Lahat ng gusto niya sa nasunod pati luho lahat. Samantang kame ni Jonjon eh lahat ng pwede gawin makamenos lang sila Papa papatusin namin. I finish my accounting course in PUP, ang pangmasa universtiy satin. I'll be honest hindi dyan ang first choice kong school pero ok lang proud parin ako. Ung kapatid ko sumunod sakin sa CCP naman siya nagtapos. Alam ko na hindi rin un ang preffered niya na skwelahan, pero alam ko dahilan kung bakit minabuti niya na diyan na lang. Pero yang magaling namin bunso :D. Pinilit ng nanay ko kumbinsihin ang tatay ko para pumayag dahil sa FEU daw niya gusto pumasok. Malinaw usapan namin magkakapatid :D pagmay bagsak siya kame mismo ni Jonjon ang magsasabi na patigilin na lang siya sa pagaaral. Kaya ngayon :D pagdating ni Jonjon bukas hanggang this semester na lang ang bunso namin sa Recto. Pasensiyahan na lang lil broe, puro ka porma eh wala ka naman sinabi :D. Puro ka salita wala naman ibig sabihin. Kami pa ng kuya mo lolokohin mo :D. Sige ngayon tignan natin. Kung ako tatanungin, tapos ka na college days mo. Kung gusto mo ituloy ikaw na lang ang mismong gumawa ng paraan. Ang dami nalustay na pera sayo. Kung susumahin ko lahat un. Ang laking negosyo sana naipundar nun :D. Pasensya na lang tayo.

Thoughts - Bad Night

The bad thing about me is that, when I'm not in the good mood, I won't really care who/how I speak. Last night was really awful, I admit, I feel bad after. My lolo woke me up, dahil papasok ako sa office. He then told me na dumating ung package kaso wala nagreceive kaya madedelay nanaman. Super delay na kase un, kahit tita ko na nagpadala kinukulit na ko. I was at home that time pero tulog ako malas pa ung room ko nasa bandang likod at hindi ko talaga maririnig if meron tumatawag. Or possible na sobrang pagod ako dahil malamang tumatahol ung 2 dogs ko dahil may tumatawag na ibang tao, pero hindi parin ako nagising.
My lolo was pissed so am I. We're waiting for that package for ages. Nung dumating mom ko at lola galing sa daily stroll nila dun lang nila nalaman, those packages were address to my mom. Then naririnig ko mga usapan nila habang naliligo ako, actually inask ako ng mom ko na tawagan ung shipping company, that morning pero nakalimutan ko, sabi niya na kung tinawagan ko yun at sinabing idedelivery that day edi sana hindi na daw sila umalis para magbingo. Nainis ako hindi ko alam kung bakit siguro dala narin na tinatamad na ko magtrabaho, ginising pa ko ng maaga at sinisisi pa ko ng nanay ko ng hindi naman ako ang direktang may kasalanan.
Nung kinausap ako ng mom ko I snap at her, pabalang sagot ko, napilosopo ko pa siya after nun hindi na kami nagkibuan. Nung una akala ko intense lang kame kaya ganon. I felt bad pagdating ko sa office pero sabi ko baka nung gabi lang un, dahil nagalit din lolo ko sa mom ko. Pero pagdating ko sa bahay kaninang umaga, hindi ung usual na nanay ko sumalubong sakin. Hindi niya ko kinikibo, lumabas siya ng kwarto pagdating ko pero pumasok din agad. Sabi ko I hurted my mom last night kaya siguro ganon. Hindi ako sanay na hindi madaldal mom ko early in the morning asking how am I. Wala ung makulit na nagtatanong anu ang nagyari sa buong gabi ko. Nasad talaga ko hindi ko naman sinasadya. Hindi ko alam paano magsorry sa kanya kanina, hanggang sa nanood kame ng Lifestyle Network at naalala ko ung request niya na pizza sakin. I just simply ask her kung gusto niya magorder kame. Sabi niya bahala ako, after that kinausap na ulit niya ko, nagkwentuhan ulit, nagsorry ako. I never realize how my words wounded my mom, hindi ko alam na ganon, hindi ko naman sinasadya. Sabi niya she knows kung gaano ko kasungit at kataray pero hindi niya maimagine that I would snap at her. Hindi ko rin akalain na masasabi ko un. Kaya sorry ako ng sorry sa mom ko.
I ended up buying her a suhol hahaha.. Pero ok na kame ngayon, I promise na hindi ko na uulitin un sa kanya ayoko ko makikita nagiisip, nalulungkot lalo na umiiyak mom ko, that would kill me. As much as possible ayoko makikita masaktan mom ko, nagawa ko na magsinungaling sa kanya wag lang siya makitang malungkot. Alam ng kapatid ko un, kaming dalawa ang nagtago nun. We never talked about it at home.
Bottom line ayoko may nalulungkot sa member ng family ko, ok lang na ako ang masaktan, dahil kahit anong mangyari hindi ko pinapakita sa kanila na malungkot ako or umiiyak. My mom and dad thinks I'm tough so I have to show them that I'm tough. Kahit minsan mahirap.
I would do anything just to see my mom and dad happy, kahit ano pa un.
Pero hindi ko inakala na masasaktan ko parin pala sila, ng hindi ko sinasadya.

Thoughts - Part

There are things that you cannot control. Oras, panahon at paniniwala ng ibang tao. Minsan mas makakabuti talaga ung manahimik na lang at wag na isipin ang pwedeng iniisip ng iba. Mas marami ka dapat asikasuhin sa buhay mo kesa ubusin ang oras sa pagiisip ng kung ano iniisip ng iba tungkol sayo. Hindi mo kontrolado ang bawat galaw ng ibang tao pero ang sayo ikaw lang ang pwedeng magdesisyon noon. Marami bagay ang hindi mo maiintindihan sa iba, di tulad sa pagkakakilala mo sa sarili mo.
Minsan kailangan mo na lang gawin ang parte mo ng walang hinihintay na kasagutan o kapalit, mas mahirap umasa sa wala.
Minsan maganda intension mo para sa iba pero minamasama naman un ng karamihan, wala ka naman magagawa dun. Minsan gusto mo lang linawin sa iba ang isang bagay pero nakakasakit ka pala, hindi mo naman hawak un, hindi naman un ang intensyon mo eh. Minsan halos lahat na ng paraan nagawa mo pero wala parin pala, anu na gagawin mo? Ipipilit mo ba ang ayaw? Minsan mas madaling iasa nalang sa "bahala" ang lahat. Sa paraan na un hindi ko na kailangan pangmayamot kakaisip kung bakit, paano, saan, kelan at ano.. Tutal nagawa mo na ang dapat diba?
Hindi naman masama isipin mo ang sarili mo, wala naman ibang tatangap, magmamahal, at makakauwa sa sarili mo kundi ikaw rin. Siguro naman panahon na para ikaw naman ang magbigay daan para magawa naman ng iba ung parte nila.

Know-it-all

Sa wakas nakapagpahinga rin ako sa wakas ang tagal nun ha.. pero wal ako maisulat kaya lalagay ko nalng laman ng utak ko..
Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero hindi maalis sa isip ko ang minsan nasabi sakin "Marami siya alam kesa satin, gets mo ba?" nung mga oras na sabihin sakin yan sumagot ako isa lang napakasimple lang kahit maraming nagsisigawan sa utak ko ang sagot ko lang "Sigurodo ka ba?" at wala ko natagap na sagot mula sa kausap ko.
Pero ano laman ng utak ko? Imposibleng 3 works lang yan ako pa. Sus sabi ko nga mauubusan ang textbook sa mga paliwanag at reasoning pero ako hindi, mananahimik ako pero hindi ibig gabihin nun eh titigil dun sa paggalaw ang brain fats ko hahaha.
Gets ko ba? Actually hindi, bakit kase hindi ako maniniwala basta basta na Maraming alam ang isang tao tungkol sa ibang tao, dahil kahit ako mismo isa lang ang taong kakilala ko na kung minsan kinukwestyon ko pa un ang Sarili ko, na minsan eh hindi ko rin magets, hahaha.
Kung meron man tao na sobrang maraming alam tungkol sa ibang tao, pwede bang malaman ko kung sino ka? Para atleast malaman ko kung kanino ko eelibs. Kakaibang talento kase yan eh. Isipin mo malalaman mo ng ganon ganon lang kung ano ang katauhan ng isang tao, pano ba ginagawa un. Sa loob ng 25 na taon kahit sarili ko magulang may mga pagkakataon parin na hindi ko sila maintindihan. Never ako nawala sa puder ang mga magulang ko dahil ayaw ako payagan bumukod ng tatay ko. Pero sa totoo lang minsa hindi ko parin mawari dahil may ugali parin at kilos ang mga magulang ko na hindi ko inaasan, hindi ko parin pala sila kilala ng lubusan.
May isa ko kaibigan sa loob ng bahay nila at sa harap ng syota niya napakabait ng bruha, di makabasag pinggan, walang bahid ng kalokohan, tahimik napatulala ako ibang tao siya pagkami kami lang makakasama. Ang daldal ng bruha na un, mas malutong pa sa chicharon kung magmura un pero hindi ko nakita at narinig un nung nasa bahay nila ko at nung kasama niya shota niya, ang bilis ng pangyayari isang minuto isa babaeng bakal kasama ko pagkurap ko si Maria Clara na siya ang galing elibs ako.
May officemate ako anak ng putakte naturingan tenure na sa trabaho hindi parin niya alan ginagawa niya sa araw araw sa opisina, parang baguhan parin, tanong dito escalate dun, away na nga siaya sagutin ng ibang tao sa office pano hindi un at un din naman. Pero nalaman namin na sideline niya lang ang callcenter chet, stockholder siya ng isang corporation, nagpapalakad ng family business at may sarili pa siyang negosyong nakabukod. Elibs, un na kulang nalang eh sabihan sa floor ng bobo eh asensado sa buhay at hindi basta basta.
Hehe, yan ang gusto ko itanong sa nagsabi sakin ung nasa taas. Kung alam ng taong un ang lahat siguro naman malalaman niya ung mga ganyan pangyayari.
Napapagisip ako, paano niya nalalaman ang lahat? Naghire ba siya ng private ditektib para lang malaman ang mga gusto niya malaman. Ang yaman naman pala niya (pautang lol) para gumastos at may oras siya pagaksayahan ng panahon ang mga yan. O bumabase lang siya sa nakikita niya, sa galaw at sa sinsabi ng taong sinasabi niyang marami siyang alam tungkol sa tao. Alam ko ang ganyang diskarte, inoobserbahan mo ang gawi ng isang tao. Sa bawat galaw kinakalula mo, binabasa mo ang mga sinasabi niya ng hindi literal. Hhhmmm.. Alam ko rin gawin yan pero sure ako na hindi ko parin totoong kilala ang taong pagtutuunan ko ng ganyan atensyon. Bakit? Pano kung un ang gusto niyang ipakita at paniwalaan ko? Paano kung maskara niya iyon para matakapan ang totoo niyang pagkatao?
Isa lang ang lagi ko sinsabi sa sarili ko hindi ko pwede maliitin ang kakayanan ng kahit na sino, kahit pa ako ang pinakamatalino at makapangyarihan tao sa buong mundo walang mabibigay sayo ng kakayanan alamin ang lahat lahat dahil isang tao lang ang pwede kong kilalanin ng lubusan, un eh ang sarili mo wala nangiba.

Thoughts - Black

You are black! You are probably an introverted, indifferent sort of person. You aren't necessarily emo or really hateful, though you can be. You just aren't bubbly and happy all the time like yellows, oranges, and pinks. In fact, you probably have a hard time putting up with people who ARE happy all of the time. You are probably intelligent and artistic, and maybe a little bit of a loner. You do have friends, you just don't mind being alone. Gives you time to think. You are a little blunt, and you usually tell it like it is. You are classy, and simplicity goes a long way with you. You can be a little off-beat, your interests may not go with "the norm". As for your friends, you love them deeply. You may not have many close friends, but you choose them carefully. You are incredibly loyal to your friends, and they know they can count on you. You'd do just about anything for them, and they know it. You probably don't show your feelings so much, but you do have feelings. Deep ones, too. You feel things deeply, and you can be passionate - you just don't show it. Your sense of humor is probably a little dark, but you do love to laugh. You can be totally crazy when you open up, but you rarely do. You, in a nutshell: Classy, introverted, loyal, a bit of a loner, unique, edgy, deep, artistic, crazy (rarely), intelligent. BLACK!

hmmm... first impression probably one can say those but once you get to know me, you'll say I'm a crazy funny bitch, but thise are quite true..

Moving forward, I miss writing but I can't find time to write. Ang dami ko idea ngayon kung ano ano, sama istoryang napapakingan ko araw araw, sa pagiging matabil ko, sa mga kadaldalan ko, ang dami ko naiisip pero bakit parang hindi ko sila maisulat. Nung isang araw sinubukan ko pero 2 lines lang nagawa ko tapos nawala na sa isip ko magsulat bakit kaya?
Siguro wala palang ako sa mood, siguro marami lang ako iniisip, siguro magulo lang ang mga idea ko hay.. namimiss ko na magsulat..

Thoughts - Today

I didn't realize I already run out of books on my shelf that I haven't read. I read ebooks at work and books at home in my room before sleeping.
Mostly I read James Patterson's Women's Murders Series or Mitch Albom or Paulo Coelho books at home. While I prefer chicklits at work. Extremes huh?! Well I'm unpredictable I guess.
That's how mess up everything is, I don't what to clog it with all this ahh never mind. Have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of things to settle and decisions to make. I guess I'm over with some and hoping I'm truly am.
I admit I have my faults but not everything, I have my reasons and those are valid ones. Childish, possibly but not all the time not every sigle time. I have my own reservation yes, but thats for me too keep. One sided story - most of the time led you to a wrong direction, nobody ask mine, no one dared to answer my questions. Well, I can't wait forever, most of the time you'll get tired and go on with your life. You hold your decision and your choices. Atleast I've tried everything, waiting is painful but not knowing is the worst pain ever, so why wait if you can move forward and have a life.
Can someone make up for the lost time and effort?
Answer MAYBE. But you can never turn back time. What you could have done yesterday could mean something that time and but would no longer matter today.
Darn life, I just wanted to be over with what's in my head right now, have a long vacation and take care of my new puppy-Pochi and my doggy-Pandy.

Thoughts - Libra

Another FB application..

Very pretty, Very romantic, Nice to everyone they meet, Their Love is one of a kind, Silly, Fun, Sweet, Have their own unique sexiness, Most caring person you will ever meet! AMAZING IN BED! Spontanious, Neat, Addicted and loyal to their friends, Not the kind of person you wanna fuck with :) You might end up crying; The most irresistible, Strong, Powerful, EXTREMELY PASSIONATE!?????????????Rare to find, A great kisser, Incredibly intelligent, Most Libras are deep-thinkers, Outgoing, Lovable, Corky, Crazy, A fun-lover, Funny, Talkative, Erotic, Smart, LOVES sports, Gets what he/she wants, Loves to be in a relationship BUT, is completely happy and free if single..

Very romantic,(well I am..) Nice to everyone they meet(hindi sa lahat noh..), Their Love is one of a kind(ow well.. hmmm), Silly(pretty much, sometimes), Fun, Sweet, Have their own unique sexiness(well, well, well.), Most caring person you will ever meet!(trueness hahaha) AMAZING IN BED!(no comment) Spontanious, Neat, Addicted and loyal to their friends(very), Not the kind of person you wanna fuck with :)(try ninyo, now na para naman maiba ung trip ko, madali naman ako kauspa eh.. pero pagpumalag ako sisiguraduhin ko mananalo ako hahaha) You might end up crying(un na!); The most irresistible, Strong, Powerful, EXTREMELY PASSIONATE!?????????????(need to say more?)Rare to find, A great kisser, Incredibly intelligent, Most Libras are deep-thinkers, Outgoing, Lovable, Corky, Crazy, A fun-lover, Funny, Talkative, Erotic, Smart, LOVES sports, Gets what he/she wants, Loves to be in a relationship BUT, is completely happy and free if single ..(happy and single)

karamihan dyan totoo noh.. hahahah

Thoughts - Me?!

God I got this from FB again.. its so true.. it so me.. mygolly..

What does your birthday say about you?

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

This is so me.. Every single one, this is so me.. "calm and cool" - well I am, "concerned and detailed" - details? ask me haha, "loves to look for information"-chismosa in short haha, "understanding" - thats the thing, minsan feeling ko ako lang ang umiintindi but people don't understand me :(, "secretive" :whistle:, "hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings" - true I won't show how I feel or even tell what I'm thinking, I hold back most of the time.

Thougths - A Match

Again because I'm so addicted to FB lately..
Daming application ang nakakaaliw.. kaloka eto pa isa..
The perfect match test

Result

Libra: Compatible with: Leo, Gemini, Sagittarius, Aquarius

Incompatible with: Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces, Taurus, Cancer, Virgo

Variable: Libra, Aries

Funny, ang madalas naiinvolve sakin eh Pisces, Scorpio at Virgo. Malang kaya hindi nagwowork or war of the worlds and tema.. totoo nga kaya ito? But I know I possess Librans description, qualities, attitude ect.

Thoughts - Envy

I'm hooked in facebooks applications.. makes me smile in a bad day.. I've answered this "What do people envy about you?" and heres what it says..

You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. They'd also do anything for you! People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to.

Funny, a GIVING SOUL, OPEN HEART, darn I know I'm so evil harharhar.. oh well..
I;ve thought about Envy.. recently somebody tried making me look bad to people who I hardly know, I don;t know his/her real reason for it but I won't deny it it makes me furious at first but after a couple of minutes of reading about what he/she wrote about me, it just makes me laugh. It's one hell of a person doesn't really know anything about me. He/She might observed how I deal with people online but hoiw can he/she be sure about who I really am. Easy I can pretend, I can act, I can say portaite who ever I want to be online. So who cares as long as I have my dearst friends who believe in me, who's their when even ever, hell I care abut what other people think.
But of course I have my limitations, I'll give that person one more chance, one more and certainly I'll snap so good luck. I can play anybody's game and I'll make sure I'll win.

Thoughts - My life

I just can't find time to write. I have this pending part 2 poem that I can't seems to finish. I know I'm busy for a couple of weeks now but when ever I'm thinking about my schedule.. hmmm.. how do I manage to keep on writing before even though I got load of things to do as well.. Is it my task or I just can't find any inspiration or its just me.. I usually write about my self so why am I "somekindaloosing" time for it.

Heres the list of my window and tabs on my computer desktop at work.. (links) and I manage to check each and evertime, well I have to..
1. CAP
2. VKB Hardware
3. VKB 360
4. 4 word documents (service, logs, templates, troubleshooting)
5. msn mail (I send emails a lot, every second whew!)
6. Loisse's outlook
7. 3 Excel files (schedule, ACD, tracker)
8. An ebook (depende what book I wanted to read if I could)
9. Google hehehe
10. Symbianize (if i have time :lol:)
11. notepad (I use for writing my kalokohan)
[ill attach a screen shoot tom. ill printout my office desktop so ull see the idea]
Whew! thats the reason why my office pc hangs a lot.. hahahaha.. but those are what I do while informt of my pc at work.. while I hold tons of papers if my jogging around ELJ's 6th floor to do printing, photo copying, signing papers, talking to RTA, talking to loisse, to coy, to ceejay or to somebody else hahaha.. busy huh..

At home.
1.Yahoo msg
2. Symbianize
3. msn mail (I have to keep track)
4. Facebook
5. Reastaurant city (FB)
6. Farm toen (FB)
7. Blogger
8. Deviantart
9. mybrute
10. mediafire
11. photobucket
12. google
13. mydocs

Whew! I multitask? Certainly, a talent I learned from working ina callcenter and having home and office pcs as my buddies hehehe..
oh well I guess I just have to manage my time for me to hae time in writing..
hhmmm...

My life

In a dark hole I dive
Not knowing what's inside
This time I wont elide
In my mind I must survive

I know I must be strong
Even if, things goes wrong
Now, here is where I belong
Something I'm willing to hold on

A very unpredictable cycle
This enigmatic life I handle
Simple, bald but unusual
My so-called life I fondle

-written June 04, 2009

Thoughts - Iloveyou Kris Allen!

Darn darn darn! Kris Allen won.. his American Idol 2009.. Aylaabbeeettt...
shoot nainlove ako sa lalaking 'to grabe.. lalo na nung kinanta nay ung Heartlesss at Ain't No Sunshine.. mygulay ilovehim na...

CONGRATULATIONS

Kris Allen

Kris Allen's smooth vocals and boy-next-door image propelled him to "American
Idol" victory Wednesday, turning the theatrical powerhouse Adam Lambert into the
most unlikely of also-rans. "I'm sorry, I don't even know what to feel right now.
This is crazy," said a stunned Allen, 23, of Conway, Ark. As host Ryan Seacrest
said in announcing the result of the viewer vote, "The underdog, the dark horse,
comes back and wins the nation over."

Hindi na ko umaasa dahil alam ko na si Adam Lambert ung mananalo, i have nothing against Adam magaling siya pero simula ng natangal si Danny Gookey si Kris na bet ko tapos kinanta nya pa ung heartless dusko panalo super..

Pero in fairness madaming magagaling sa batch na ito ng American Idol lalalo na nung top 5 na lang.. wala ka itatapon magagaling sila.. ang they gave agreat show kanina shet winner.. agree ako sa mom ni Kris mageenjoy ka sa show kanina ang gagaling.. tapos meron pa bago single ung Black Eyed Peas, YEAH!
Basta naaliw ako un lang kaya na paOnline ako ng si oras.. at hindi na ung scandal ni katrina halili ug iniisip ko wahahahaha...

Thoughts - Privacy

Darn it..
After 20 long years this the only time I had my own room.. my own meaning I'm no longer sharing with my aunt or my brother.. P-R-I-V-A-C-Y at last. Purchased my own bed, my sheets, my dresser, my hamper ect ect.
We're 5 in the family my mom and dad, me and my two brothers, luckily when we move here we 3 got to have a out own separate room. Hear that S-E-P-A-R-A-T-E.
Of course we respect each space, one should knock before opening the door, even my mom and dad does that, unless my moms trying to wake my up coz I'll be going to work. At first I usually lock my door, I dont know, I got used to it. But mom got problems in keeping her spare keys so she ask me if I could just leave the door or my room unlock when ever I dose of sleep, so if ever she have to wake me up it would be easier, if a knock wont be enough, so I did. Only my mom who's allowed to do such, so coz even my dad won't just walk in if ever he needs something from me or if ever mom's not around and he needs to shake me off to wake up.
But just then my youngest brother started entering my room with out me knowing, I didn't mind it at first because mom told me that he needs to call someone and the phone outside is busted (I got an extenstion in my room, no where else), so I let it pass. But darn it, that one time became twice, trice and now very often and most of the time that happened without me knowing, its either I'm outside doing chores or when I'm sleeping. Just because he needs to borrow my phone to text someone, darn he has to go around my room before he could get my phone on top of my bedside table. And damn my phone, can you imagine, I don't certainly have any videos to keep privately but still, darn it that thing is still private.
Motherfathersheetofpaper(memoy thanx for this expression), I know its my brother but still, my dresser doesn't have any lock, my closet got one but the tiniest I have, my everyday bag's lying on the floor, most of the time zipper open. My things are everywhere in the room but I know where to look for certain things if ever, I dont what someone messing up with it, with those. There are some stuff I keep that nobody's allowed to see, look at or read, even my mom. I don't want someone getting things from me without permission, coz still those are mine. I just feel like I was invaded and I HATE IT!
My room is my comfort zone, here I could show what I really feel. Most of the time, usually when I'm not really feeling ok, I would wear a mask infront of my parents, I don't want them to see the soft side of me, I don't want to worry. Inside my room I could take that off and hug the emotion I'm keeping inside. That's another reason, my room keep my secrets and if somebody unwelcome come in, I feel like they are trying to gey something from me, something precious, something I keep.
Darn, this is enough, nobody could ever come into my room ever again, unless I'm aware off, unless I let that person in. I'll locking my doors everytime. I'll ask my mom to keep the spare key where she could easy remember she left it. I'll have my privacy back, I'll have my comfort zone again, to what its used to.

some parts of my room, maayos pa cya dyan.. ngayon super gulo na..
ung mga picture sa baba ung closet ko ung sa taas ung dresser..

kung makikita nyo ung dresser ko ngayon eh mas marami na dyan ang laman..

pati ung upuan puno na ng libro hahaha.. maayos pa yan.. kase wala kalat na bag, flipflops, book at shoes sa sahig hahaha..

Thoughts - Now

This is me, now.

Panalo ang araw ko ngayon, walang ako tulog nakainom at mamaya iinom nanaman kami ng mga officemates ko.

Kahapon pa ko hindi ok, ayan para sa mga friends ko na super concern sakin, yan inamin ko na, sa mga watch mode sa blog ko at humanap ng butas para sa ikasasaya ninyo, I'm f*cking breaking right now, para sa taong, again pinagkatiwalaan ko pero hindi naniwala sakin hehe damn, you really know how to break me seriously. Salamat

It's confession time..

(guys don't worry walang makakasilip ng butas dito this is all about me.. I need to write it.. and get lost for a while..)

I know what I've done this past few weeks, ung mga bagay na pinagkakaabalahan ko, ung mga "surprises" ko. I know my goal and focus why I'm doing that but I never did expect I'm this weak. Ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung bakit ko ginawa un, kung dahil sa evil plan ko or I just wanna let people know how I rule someone (Darn, I'm so selfish).

I manage to keep mum about what's, happening eventhough I'm aware about it, halos hindi ko nagagawa ung part ko, thinking na baka mapahamak ako or baka maputol ung ginagawa ko. Worst is I'm enjoying it, while loosing the idea of the real deal to what i'm doing.

Now, I wanna apologize to all of you, to those people whom I call my family. Sarili ko lang inisip ko this past few weeks, hindi ko man lang kayo nakaya ipagtanggol, for the stupid reason na ayoko makialam, damn, dapat nakialam ako dahil ako ang puno't dulo ng lahat ng ito. Sorry na inisip ko lang ang sarili ko, in holding back because ayoko madamay. At first I know my purpose for doing so, but as it goes nawawala un, sorry talaga.

I'm playing this goody goody girl not taking sides pero feeling ko hindi ko nagagawa ung dapat na ginagawa ko for all of you, para dun sa mga taong nasa tabi ko eversince, sorry for being so weak and for being so selfish, alam ko kasalanan ko lahat.

What happen? Honestly nahirapan ako aminin, kahit hanggang ngayon indenial parin ako, pero nangyari ang kinakatakot ko, bumalik ung dati, the stupid affected me, ung sinulat ko na again, totoo un. For all those so-called lies na naririnig ko from him, may part ako na naniniwala sa kanya, I know fault ko ito, sakin nagsimula at hanggang ngayon parte ako. Ang dali ko kase maniwala, ang dali ko magtiwala ulit kahit marami na nangyari dati. Kahit pa kung ano ano na ung alam ko, ang tanga tanga ko. Sorry talaga, sobra ako kaapektado nung time na nalaman ko ung result. You dont deserve those, kung meron man dapat nagkaroon nun, ako lang dapat, ako ang root nito aminin man natin o hindi.

Sayo kung babasahin mo pa ito o hindi kiber..

sayo ang galing mo , you know me to well, it seems so easy for you to make me feel miserable. Tutal you wont let me explain myself and you wont understand we're I'm coming from, dito ko lilinawin sarili ko para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko kahit konti, sa space ko na walang pwede makikialam, walang sino man ang pwede magdelete at dumedma. Una, sa lahat ng accusations mo, walang kahit isang tama, maniwala ka o hindi, wala akong ipipilit. Nung sinabi ko wala kame ng taong un, wala kame talaga, wag mo ipagduldulan sakin ang hindi totoo.

May gusto kong ipaisip sayo, nailugar mo na ba ang sarili mo sa lugar ko? Kahit isang beses? Your accusing me of so many things, but whenever I'm clarifying my side, myself you wont believe me. Kung gagawin ko sayo iyon ano mararamdaman mo? Someone you know, already accuse me of such thing, ikaw rin pala. Salamat ha.

Alam mo problema mo? Sinusubukan mo magbago hindi para sa sarili mo, kundi para sa iba, well, thats flattering honestly but you know, whats bad about it? Once may maling nagawa ung dahilan mo sa pagbabago, magkakaroon ka narin ng reason para bumalik sa dati at tigilan ang nasimulan mo na, tama ba? Ginagawa mo ung mga bagay na ayaw mo gawin sayo, pero you're too close minded to understand and even hear the other person. Ang bilis mo pa magconclude salamat, maraming salamat.

Ako, na dapat gumagawa sayo niyan, dahil sa lahat ng kasalanan mo sakin, ako pa ngayon ang nasa negative note, ang galing mo talaga. Sinubukan mo ba ko intidihin, everytime na sinasabi mo na ako ang may sala?

Sasagutin ko ung tanong mo, HINDI sakin galing ang mga un, nacheck mo na ba ung sarili mong mga post? Nareview mo na ba lahat? Kahit ung mga deleted? Going back from the beginning? If you can bring back the past, so do I, so do other people, who's aware, hindi mo rin ba naisip that people could dig the past and bring it back? Naisip mo ba un? Naisip mo ba na ikaw mismo ang nagfeed sa kanila ang mga linyang un?
Stop accusing people sa mga bagay na ikaw mismo ang may gawa. Stop asking for something na hindi mo rin naman papakinggan. Don't act na ikaw lang ung nasaktan, put*ngin* kung ikaw ung taong hindi papaniwalaan sa mga bagay na sinasabi mo, ano mararamdaman mo? Masyado ka na kafocus sa bagay na inaapi ka, ni hindi mo nakita kung ano nagyayari at sinasakripisyo ng ibang tao para sayo. Ang nakikita mo lang ung mali.

Tinago ko lahat ng yan sa sarili ko, tingin mo ba kung alam ng lahat ang nayayari eh meron parin ako kakampi ngayon? Nakakatawa noh.. Balik nanaman ako sa dati, back to zero ko dude.

Nakakapagod ba? Mas nakakapagod ang magpakatanga at hindi paniwalaan after mo magtiwala at maniwala ulit.

Sa mga taong nandyan lagi sa tabi ko, sana maintindihan ninyo ko, kung magagalit kayo sakin maiintindihan ko rin naman, alam ko ang mali ko, alam ko ako ang may kasalanan kaya maiintidihan ko un. Sorry ulit sa inyo.

Sayo, tama ka, Good Luck. I tried hanggang sa huli, pero wala rin nangyari, at aaminin ko nagpakatanga nanaman ako, anu pa bang bago.

Thoughts - F.Y.C.

I have to commend myself for being so in control, but I can't, I don't know, but I'm starting to doubt myself .
But two things I'm sure of, I'm the one to blame for all these and I know I have to do something about it, soon..

Thoughts - Again

Got a new phone my gulay, for another network. Why did I purchased one? Parang panata na namin ni louisse ang bumili ng new phone every year. Got my N95 still as my primary phone and a 7210 supernova for secondary phone, funny thing is nobody at home is aware what I got hahaha.
It's 11:21pm dated April 22, 2008, my grandparents plane has already landed. I'm torn I want to go home but hesitant as well. I wanted to go hime early to talk to my lolo God, got alot of things to ask him about the details on some investment, dreaded papaerworks again that I want to get over with as soon as possible for me to deal with my own plans this year. I'm hesitant because despite of good news darn I would definetly hear a lot of "sermon" again, about my work, my life, my activities, my savings and darn my health. Yes, I got POS again mygulay, balik akosa everyday dosage ng 1500mg ng gamot, banggag nanaman ako every day, at ang hindi ok eh masesermonan nanaman ako nito hay buhay.