Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Cycle

**naloka ko, ang hirap pala nung contest ni memoy buti hindi ako sasali ang theme is 'Perfect Stranger'.. pero gumawa pa rin ako ng version ko.. buong shift ko inisip 9hrs pero wala ko natapos.. nagmass ako kc ash wednesday.. may kasalanan ako inopen ko celphone ko during homily.. kase dun pumasok mga lines na pwede sa poem ko.. churi po.. natapos ko naman today..

Buzzing of the bees,
Breaks the silence within me.
Bringing back those memories,
Of our laughters over coffee.

You came uninvited.
Never did I expect it.
Someone who's searching.
And the other one who's longing.

Then soon we parted,
Like eclipse, it ended.
The someone I long for,
Seems too near no more.

Here in the darkness,
My life's a mess.
Alone with nothing,
With my heart still mourning.

Again we're two strangers,
Out in the middle of nowhere.
You, my almost lover.
Who left me alone, as ever.


revised edition

Buzzing of the bees,
Breaks the silence within me.
Bringing back those memories,
Of our laughters over coffee.

You came uninvited.
Never did I expect it.
Someone who's searching.
And the other one who's longing.

With you in my life, I never have to hide,
Dreams and memories of having you by my side.
These emotions, that has awakened me inside,
Never did I expect will soon subside.

But then we parted,
Like eclipse, it ended.
The someone I long for,
Seems too near no more.

Again we're two strangers,
Out in the middle of nowhere.
You, my almost lover.
Who left me alone, as ever.

-my supposed-to-be-entry.
ill just add this to our sweet corner instead..

3 comments:

  1. oh diba nakuha ko pa irevise lol
    feb.25 orignal
    feb.28 revised
    :rofl: :lmao:

    ReplyDelete
  2. You have an exceptional gift for words, I noticed. No doubt about that. However, try to be a sort of an artist when you write. Don't be afraid of crossing that line. Also try to avoid forms that are too facile and ordinary: they are the hardest to work with. So rescue yourself from these general themes and write about what your everyday life offers you; describe your sorrows and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble sincerity and, when you express yourself, use the Things around you, the images from your dreams, and the objects that you remember.

    Are you also familiar with the poems E.E. Cummings? If not, I suggest that you grab one of his collection at the bookstore. Later you may want to study the writings of T.S. Eliot. Earlier poets usually best rediscovered when we have already fully grasp contemporary poets.

    Good luck and just keep on writing okay! Patience is everything.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you.. I really love hearing criticisms from people who give a little of thier time reading my compositions, I'll keep those in mind. Your criticisms are very much appreciated.

    ReplyDelete